ranmaofdallas also knows what he can't stand...
ranmaofdallas also knows what he can't stand...
Shinji Ikari
"What is he doing in this contest", you ask? Well, none of the contest rules (what contest rules?) state that any of Dabytches have to be female.
"The judges seem to all agree that, although Shinji Ikari is male and the pilot of the famous Eva 01, he's nothing but a little whiny wuss ass bitch. You don't even have to remove him from Eva 01 and its combat capabilities to see he is still a whiny bitch. My friend Chef says, 'You'd think all the time he lived in Misato's apartment, he would have tried to get some from her.' Xelloss Metallium says, 'You'd think with all the verbal abuse he gets from Asuka, he'd at least snap and smack her bitch ass up!' Ataru Moroboshi says, 'He's gotta be a homo! Think about it. He wants to become more than just friends with Kaworu the Angel, but never tried to get any from Misato! What's up with that?' ranmaofdallas puts it bluntly: 'Wuss. He's number 10. No doubt about that.' So on that note, we begin our trip down the Bottom 10 abyss with Shinji Ikari."
Ozzy says:
Misty from Pokemon
Admittedly, none of the judges really know that much about Misty from Pokemon, seeing how, with the exception of Yamcha Hibiki, there have been maybe two Pokemon episodes viewed among our 11 judges, which is probably why Xelloss Metallium seems to think Yamcha is gay. The judges would rather have made Pikachu number one bytch, but animals don't really have personalities that can be altered at the flip of a switch like people can, so while Pikachu is not even eligible for this contest, Misty damn sure is, and you figure if she's stupid enough to allow dumb ass Psyduck to get caught in her Pokeball, and she enjoys hanging around geeks like Brock and faggot-ass Ash (say that five times fast), she deserves to either get the smack-down put on her by Team Rocket (although Stone Cold Steve Austin would be a better choice according to ranmaofdallas), or end up where she is at number nine. Ozzy didn't even want to waste his breath with this one and merely took a huge swig of Fujisawa's Jim Beam instead. By the way, where'd Misty get that nasty haircut? From Nurse Joy at the Pokepetshop somewhere in Philadelphia???
Rei Ayanami
The judges weren't too impressed with Rei Ayanami to begin with, but for some reason that can't seem to be explained, the entire city of Winnipeg, Manitoba, kept sending ranmaofdallas letters and e-mail to put Rei Ayanami in the Top 20! We figure since the Winnipeg Jets left town and became the real hockey losers that are the Phoenix Coyotes, people in Winnipeg don't have much else to do during hockey season but drink booze and fantasize about Rei Ayanami, so we decided to see for ourselves what all the hype was about.
"The judges thought Rei Ayanami would at least be glad to see a group of real men instead of wuss ass Shinji Ikari, but instead when all were introduced, Rei continued to look at everyone straight faced and said, 'I am here because I was told to be here.' At first Mousse wasn't sure if he was looking at a male or a female, but that wasn't a deciding factor until Yamcha decided he couldn't tell either, as cold as Rei was acting toward everyone. Xelloss came right out and said 'blow me, bitch' and Rei went right to work after saying 'Yes, Xelloss...I do what I am told.' Xelloss said, 'Yeah, she did her thing all right, but she wasn't any good...I didn't feel a thing until Genma started f#@&ing around and said "bite 'em", and only then did I feel anything...f#@&ing Genma...' Jesus looked Rei over and called his mortal enemy and my good friend Satan, who incidentally plays left wing for the Buffalo Sabres of the NHL, for his opinion, and they both seemed to agree that Rei appears to have no soul about her and wasn't worth wasting time over. ranma was impressed enough with the fact Rei is easily obedient that he opened the front door and said, 'Here's a dollar. Go buy yourself a personality. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out...take a hike, you're bytch number eight', and so she left, without so much as a passing glance in ranma's direction."Ozzy says:
Lina Inverse
The judges concur on this one...although a lot of her magic is cool, Lina Inverse is short, dumpy, and eats like a pig. Hell, her running buddy Naga's right, she has no breasts!
"I can understand why the judges would cast Lina Inverse into the position of bytch number 7, and I received this understanding from only having to watch the movie Slayers Great. The fact that the old golem maker used Lina as a model for a giant, super-deformed magical golem was enough to make me understand why she's so unattractive. Yamcha Hibiki seemed to give his opinion best when he said, 'I just don't like the idea of some hot-tempered, flatter-than-Shinji chick having powers that rival Son Goku's martial arts skills.' Xelloss said, 'I know her all too well. I wouldn't think she was worth looking at even if Fujisawa got me drunk!' Fujisawa had no comment, but was passed out while trying to make his decision. Genma said, 'Hmmm...guess sometimes ya can't drink 'til she's cute.' Mousse said, 'Without her magic, she's nothin'! And without her freaky long hair, she looks like a guy!'"Ozzy says:
Hikaru Hiyama
When you start crying because the man you tried to steal from your best friend doesn't actually love you and ends up not wanting to see you anymore...well, life's a bitch and so are you...just like Hikaru Hiyama.
"Hey, I'll admit one thing...Hikaru Hiyama does become a lot better looking in the second Kimagure Orange Road movie, but the judges rag on me for it and tell me it's only because it's an anime released by A.D. Vision, and not by AnimEigo, who originally released Kimagure Orange Road commerically and distribute the television series. These are the judges observations: ranma, 'Whiny ass bitch.' Ryoga, 'She's no better than a lowly thief.' Mousse, 'Is that a girl or a guy?' Yamcha, 'Butch bitch.' Strikeman, 'I shall punish her with my home run balls for her injustice to her best friend, the beautiful Madoka Ayukawa!!!' Xelloss and Chef, 'She'd better be wearin' a bag over her head if she ends up in be with us.' Genma, 'If he wasn't so whiny, I could make him my martial-arts disciple.' Ataru, 'Uhhh....no.' Jesus was too busy trying to revive Fujisawa, who passed out again from drinking during this decision."Ozzy says:
Ryoko
Hard it was to believe, it seems Ryoko actually has a lot of fans. Their weak minds and hearts must have been coerced by Ryoko for their fandom like the picture on the right illustrates, because she sure as hell didn't frighten our judges into kissing her mean ass, especially after practicing the ever-successful Fujisawa-sensei Invincibility Technique, which consists of drinking five shots of tequila after quickly consuming two cans of Red Bull...
"First time I saw Ryoko, I thought, 'Damn, I've not played Sonic The Hedgehog in a long damn time!' Then I thought, 'Well it can't be...he doesn't have that little fox dude Tails hanging out with him. F#@&, I'm trippin'.' Then I thought Ryoko was a dyke, until I found out she was actually interested in that Masaki Tenchi guy. I mean, it's a simple mistake right? Ryoko acts like a mean, bullying bloke, right? Hey, Mousse couldn't tell if she was a man or a woman, never mind he can't ever seem to see bloody straight. Jesus and Ryoga were the only judges who seemed to think Ryoko was cool, but apparantly not cool enough to escape the Bottom 10."
Ozzy says:
Shinobu Miyake
What can be said about Shinobu Miyake? How's about, jealous-ass bytch?!!! Are all the reasons this bytch gets mad Ataru Moroboshi's fault? Well, maybe (Ataru - "Hey!"), but does that give her an excuse to go after Rei, the shape-changing, tiger-looking guy (not to be confused with bytch number eight)?
"First of all, it has to be agreed upon, and of course, the judges do agree, Shinobu Miyake is built like a 2x4, but bytchy enough to take out the entire Tomobiki High School torture club, all because Ataru tried to strike a deal for his release. Hell, she's bytchy
enough to take out the entire Oakland Raiders' defensive line! Ataru says, 'I wanted to get married to her, but just because of one thing I said that Lum happened to misunderstand, Shinobu's been wanting to kick my ass ever since. What's up with that? It's not like I even got a chance to explain. I saved the world, and that bitch doesn't even appreciate it!' Jesus says, 'Ataru was able to do something I am still trying to do, and that bitch Shinobu doesn't appreciate it. Maybe her parents shouldn't have had her!' ranma says, 'Shinobu reminds me of another bytch I know, so I feel justified in making her bytch number four.'"
Ozzy says:
Chibi Usa
Here's a bytch that just needs to either disappear, or f#@&ing die! It is to say, that because of Chibi Usa, although the judges do not endorse child abuse, they UNDERSTAND it! Remember, prospective child-bearing anime fans, if you want your kids to grow up well, you need to beat their little bad asses like a red-headed Chibi Usa needs to be, otherwise, what is happening in the photo on the right, could happen to you.
"ranma, where's your bathroom? I've gotta totally f#@&ing puke! What do you mean Rich Eisen is still in it? How many more guts does he have to ralph up? Fujisawa, wake up! We've gotta make another booze run! I've gotta drink this horrendous image out of my mind! Jesus Hibiki, how about another hit? I need to get absolutely f#@&ed up after seeing this bytch! ranma, whaddaya mean we still have two more bitches to go? This totally sucks ass!"
Ozzy says:
For all of you Evangelion fans, isn't this great? We've got all three main Eva pilots reunited on one page! You didn't think we could have Shinji and Rei as part of the Bottom 10 and not mention Asuka, did you? Of course not. Stone Cold Steve Austin even sent an e-mail to ranmaofdallas saying, "I need to beat the hell outta that sumbytch that made a Windows desktop theme featuring me and that bytch Asuka Langley! What in the hell were they thinking?!!! You gotta put that annoying little bytch in the Bottom 10!!! And that's the
bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so!!!" Well, Stone Cold, you get your wish, 'cause everyone judging this contest agrees with you and says she's an annoying little bitch, too! Not only do we give her your infamous two middle fingers up, we also wish a 14th Angel would come down and kill her ass for good! ranmaofdallas says, "And if I hear her ask Shinji, 'Anata baka?!?' (Are you stupid?) one more f#@&ing time, I'm going to smack her bytch ass up myself!" Jesus was in the corner of the judging room, praying for that 14th Angel to arrive. Strikeman was warming up in the bullpen to prepare for what he calls 'pitching her bytch ass a shutout'." Ataru was last seen screaming something about "NOOOOO! Not another annoying little bytch! I can't take anymore!" Ozzy couldn't do analysis for this one as he was higher than a kite after seeing Asuka's photo. Fujisawa was taken to Presbyterian Hospital in Plano for treatment for possible alcohol poisoning. Ryoga actually decided to get lost on purpose.
Soryu Asuka Langley
Akane Tendo!!!
ranmaofdallas, you suck ass prick! I'll get you for this!!!
Ryoga told us all we shouldn't be too hard on her. "Don't you guys understand? She just needs a little love and I'm sure I can give it to her better than any of the rest of you", he said, then he doused himself with cold water and the resulting P-chan went off to look for her. ranma said, "Fine, go, but ya ain't gonna find her. She's in Tokyo and there ain't no way your dumb ass is gonna find her from Dallas! Just make sure you're back in time for the Top 20! Dumb ass!"
Now for the analysis:
"Here's my two bits...Never have I seen a girl so f#@&ed in the head that wasn't already tripped out on acid or cocaine. Akane Tendo is just one totally tripped out bytch! She doesn't look sexy at all. She dresses funny. She can't cook worth a f#@&. She's two-faced. She must have an oak tree stuck up her fat ass and won't ever take it out, because she's a sellout and won't do anything off-the-wall to have fun. She sleeps with a pig for crying out loud!!! Sure, I bit the heads off bats, but I don't sleep with the little buggers!!! That's just nasty! Hell, she probably farts in bed, too! She acts like such a manly brute, that if she weren't so f#@&ing uncoordinated, I could probably get her
either a tryout as a midfielder for Manchester United or as the bass player for
my whiny, untalented daughter's f#@&ed-up band. And the thing about it all? She's also such a whiny-ass crybaby bytch whenever she gets into trouble and usually starts crying to
ranma whenever she is in trouble. That's all I've gotta say about her,
that f#@&in' whore. Now, where are those hookers and Jim Beam bottles you promised me for being here, Chef?"
"First of all, I'd like to say that I haven't regurgitated so much since my days at the University of Michigan! I thought Stuart Scott and I were going to be doing analysis of the Top 20 Anime Babes, not these Hartford Wolfpack rejects. Which reminds me...If Ozzy Osbourne can't get Akane Tendo a spot with Manchester United, I can probably get her a spot skating alongside Bryan Marchment
with the Toronto Maple Leafs. You apparently don't need coordination to beat up guys everyday like she does, so I'm sure Akane could handle an 82-game National Hockey League
regular season just fine. Now as far as cooking goes, that's another story, and I heard Chef couldn't even teach her to make lumpy mashed potatoes that the kids in South Park wouldn't eat anyway. Akane Tendo, all I have to say is you don't act feminine, so you'd be just one of the guys if not for the fact you hate men. You've never been seen on a real date with a man; in fact you're only seen going out places with other women, and on top of that, if one of the women you like to go out with even contacts another man, you turn insanely jealous, lezzie. You'll never make it into the martial-arts hall of fame, and you will certainly never get a man in his right mind to marry you, especially
ranmaofdallas, despite what most of the zit-faced, pubescent anime and computer geeks keep trying to pound in our minds. Fujisawa-san...I need another drink. I feel another Ann Arbor, Michigan, semester binge
drinking with Bo Schembechler coming on..."
"Well, I'll tell you what...I haven't wanted to throw up so much since back in the day when I was at the University of North Carolina. This girl is just totally fat, and notice I don't spell that with a 'ph'.
Who let the dogs out?!? Didn't I say that I didn't want to be here until the dogs were put back in the kennel? The Head Dawg from the Cleveland Browns' Dawg Pound is a more attractive species than Akane Tendo, and he doesn't want to kick everyone that he meets' butts! I bet if we put Akane Tendo up against Mike Tyson, he'd turn tail and run. I bet she could give The Big Show from World Wrestling
Entertainment a run for his money. She could probably take on the entire Tampa Bay Buccaneers' defensive line, she's so mean! Whereas the quote was made from judge Ataru Moroboshi that her sister Nabiki Tendo was built like a brick $#!%house,
ranmaofdallas makes the observation that Akane Tendo is just built like a brick. Yes, sportsfans, she resembles what the
San Antonio Spurs and the New Jersey Nets were throwing up all during the 2003
NBA Finals...bricks. Speaking of the NBA, if Ozzy can't get her on with Manchester United, and Rich can't get her on with the
Maple Leafs, I'm damn sure I can get her a job as the Phoenix Suns Gorilla! After all,
ranmaofdallas did say she was as violent as a gorilla or looked
like a gorilla or her being so ugly and having to shave her ass and make
her walk backwards or something like that. Now, where are those Flaming Fuzzy Vibrator drinks I saw Chef making a little while ago?"
Ozzy says:
Rich Eisen says:
Stuart Scott says: